I’ve changed

Enough with the rationalizations and justifications. I have thrown much of my self-worth away and sat at the gates of hell with much delight. I’ve done things I swore never to do just a year ago. But you know something, no one changes 180 degrees overnight. And no one changes just like that. It was part fatigue, part peer influence, hurts and disappointments and yes, a very conscious decision to throw in the towel.

I’ve changed my mind now. And, thank God it’s never too late to. And thank God I have the capacity to face the consequences of my actions. My GPA has suffered. I screwed up my last semester. But I’m still in school. I’m still going to get my degree diploma. My health has taken a beating. Nothing fatal yet and I’m still able to keep up at soccer volleyball training. I’ve lost friends. To those who have stayed by me and for me, thank you. I’ve been separated from family. But I know I’m going home soon. Thank you for loving me despite the pain my actions have inflicted. I’ve been the object of gossip, subjected to much criticism and judgment. Ah but that’s part of life whether we do good or bad. And, I have all these memories and scars to deal with. But I’ll be kind with myself. If I beat myself up over the past, I only cripple myself from moving forward.

The climb back up is arduous. It’s taken me a couple of months just to take a few solid baby steps forward. It’s gonna take a double triple dosage of goodness to tip me over but I’m working on it.

I’m getting there.

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