The 5 Most Intimate Things You Could Do To Somebody by Ryan O’ Connell

1. Hold their hair back while they vomit
I recently held back someone’s hair while they vomited for the first time and was struck by how tender it felt. Scooping their hair up and pulling it back as they do this really disgusting and vulnerable thing felt like a total bonding experience. Added bonus points if you massage the back of their neck while they heave. In high school, I would see girls do this for each other all the time. Their reflexes would be extraordinary. The second a girl would complain of nausea, someone would come to their rescue and lead them to a safe place, prepared to hold their hair so no vomit would land on the person’s beautiful tresses. As much as there’s fighting between girls, there’s also a remarkable protective nature as well. They’re just tapped into each other in a way that men aren’t. For future reference, if you aren’t willing to hold someone’s hair back while they vomit, you shouldn’t be getting drunk with them. When you’re puking in someone’s toilet and in between sobs, you gotta scream, “LOVE ME FOR ME BEB!”

2. Give a scalp massage
Scalp massages are the way to my heart and penis. I swear, 80% of the reason why I look forward to getting my haircut is for those three minutes of hair ecstasy when they shampoo you. I would kill to be a fly on the wall when they teach someone how to do it in hair school. “Okay, now take your hands and give someone an orgasm on their head. Think of everything that’s right and feels good in the world and manifest it into your fingers.” When I get home, I try to replicate the feeling myself when I shampoo my hair but it never works. I need someone else’s magic. I need a boyfriend who is willing to massage my scalp 24/7. Actually, I just need a boyfriend who cuts hair and knows how to do it. During the last haircut I received, a gay dude washed my hair and I was this close to being like, “Um, here’s my number. Can we continue this in a more private setting? My scalp really likes you.”

3. Tie your shoe
Wanna hear something really real? I can’t tie my shoes! No, I’m serious. It’s physically impossible. After I was hit by a car, my left hand got messed up and I now struggle with having the dexterity to make those little bunny ears. As a result of this shortcoming, I’m forced to rely on anyone and everyone to tie my shoes. I once had to ask a complete random on the street because I was worried I was going to eat crap and knock my teeth out when they had become untied. Having someone tie your shoes when you’re past the age of five is a unique experience. You feel really vulnerable and a tad humiliated having a grown person get down on their knee and make loops with your shoestrings. But it’s also kind of sweet and beautiful. You feel like a kid again who’s temporarily helpless and relies on the kindness of strangers.

4. Pop your zits
If someone is willing to pop your zits, they’re a keeper. Not only are they acknowledging that disgusting things happen to your body, they’re willing to get up close and personal with it. I once had my best friend pop a nasty zit on my back (we’ve all been there, okay?} and after it was done, I was just like, “You win the friendship game. You must really love me to do something that horrific!” They act all grossed out and “OMG, I can’t believe I just did that!” but some people secretly love it. Hello, how else do you explain the existence of estheticians? They live for a giant zit that needs to be popped.

5. Clean something off of your face
Whenever someone takes a napkin and cleans something off of my face completely unprompted, my heart melts a little bit. I think to myself, “Wow! You like me! You really like me!” I’ve had people let me just straight up walk out of a restaurant with ketchup on my face and I’ve come to realize that those people cannot be trusted. I’ll notice it an hour later and just be like, “How could you let me leave the restaurant with this situation on my face?” and they’ll just avert my stare and be like, “Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you…” What?! That’s like saying, “Oh, I forgot to tell you that there’s a bee hovering near you!” No. Mama doesn’t play with that kind of business. You can’t sabotage me like that.

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