There was a time and place for me to cry.
It was usually in the morning light and a result of my incessant yawning due to not sleeping
It was usually watching over the morning light, by my windowsill which was usually cold.
I was careful not to let the stench of the ultralights get into my room (which explains my recent love for scented candles) but it would seep in anyway. The smell of nicotine and Cranberry Vanilla Bliss was a favourite combination, until they discontinued it for less wonderful scents like Apple Medley and Mocha Dreaming.
I felt stupid that these were my favourite part of the day, because I’d have no energy to experience the rest of my 23hours, my eye hazed over from my nocturnal life. But it was my time and my place of safety. I was alone and invincible and very very very sad.
But that place is gone now.
The windowsill is gone. The ultralights, reds, black menthols and whatever else I smoked are gone. The mornings alone are gone. The candles still remain though, Brownie Delight wafting as I type this.
I am not alone.
There is a serenity in my heart that one cannot describe with meagre words. My Father carries me and I cannot see it but I am so sure of it.
I am alive now.
Thinking of you makes my heart shatter more than ever.
My spirit lifts with every replay of Rain Down. I want to dance!
My soul aches for more…more what, exactly? Love? Peace? Joy?
I am alive. I see people as more than fellow occupants inhabiting this planet. I see love as more than a currency to be exchanged. I know that I have been forgiven. And more than that, I know that I have been given life. Now all I desire is to rejoice.
And again I say, rejoice!!
There is a time and place for me to cry
and to laugh
and to sing
and to break
and it is in my Father God’s arms.
and always will be.