Why I Stopped Trying

I wrote this in point form in between lectures to get some thoughts down to elaborate on later. However, when I read back I realized that it looked like a complete post on its own (excluding the bullet points) so here it is.

. Being an athlete, it’s instilled to keep going/ push beyond yourself /never give up.
. I realize I might sounds very contradictory because my posts always seem to clash in terms of how I view this.
. My personality fuels this thinking that giving up is a sign of weakness (which is why I struggle so much with vulnerability)
. Which is why I struggled so much with God.
. Because I kept trying. Trying to reach Him. Trying to be a better person/daughter. Trying to deserve love. Deserve approval. Trying to be worth it.
. It translated to my friendships. I would try so much to always be there. The moment they didn’t reciprocate, I would get upset and hurt that they were not good friends, that things were one sided. It was ridiculous how many people I had hurt in this season of my life.
. Then I gave up. I stopped trying.
. Like the bible suggested, I ceased striving and began to know who was my God.
. Instead of thinking only about what I needed to do, I would plan till the point that I was out of ideas and then sit back and commit it completely to Him.
. I learnt to worship in “reckless abandon” with my life
. Eg: I would study to the best of my ability and then sleep, trusting that He would give me clarity and strength.
. I stopped trying to get people to like me. I would just do my best to be a kind and fair person, then let them decide where I would stand in their lives.
. When I was hurt, I would allow myself to grieve for a day or two, then consciously spent the energy I used to being sad to committing the situation to God.

When I stopped trying to live by my own means, I got a lot further than I ever could have if I did. Loving people was easier. Taking on new responsibilities was lighter. Faults were easier to forgive. Pain ceased to have its detrimental grasp over me.

It was when I gave up my life to Christ that living became a whole lot easier.

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