4 shots later.

I haven’t written in awhile. Life moves too fast these days. Every thing is going at warp speed. It’s all very wonderfully distracting from what I want to be distracted from, but not all that right. I guess.

But I want to tell you about my God.

I grew up in a christian family. But in the same way being born in a hospital doesn’t make you a band aid, or existing in a Burger King doesn’t make you a burger, I wasn’t exactly a Christian.

Were my encounters with people fake? Was all that I had promised and yearned for as a youth not real? I like to think not. Though probably externalized badly from a series of internal struggles and strife, I was just trying to be as human as I could. I went through wanting to be loved to needing to be included to not caring anymore (though probably caring a little). I went through desiring friends to wishing they didn’t exist.

I have loved being the daughter of pastors. I have hated being the daughter of pastors.

I have wished I was smarter.

thinner

braver

gentler

cooler

realer.

I like to say that’s all behind me now, but it’s not. The things I went through at 16, I still deal with at 22. It’s what makes me human. It’s what makes me broken. But the beauty of it is that it’s what makes me forgiven.

Even at 22, there are days when I look back and just absolutely loathe my younger self. Why I bothered fussing over my bad skin and ugly hair when I could’ve been enjoying myself with the friends who loved me anyway. Why I tried so hard to get people to like me while simultaneously pushed the ones that did away. Why instead of pursuing His heart and His call for me, I was busy trying to be what I thought the world wanted.

And so now I’ve fallen behind. I’m a little slower… only starting to really embrace my own form of worship and freedom and ministry. I am a painter. I am a “jie jie”. I am a dancer. I am a servant.

The amazing thing is. In all my inadequacies and anger, I’ve been forgiven over and over again. And it’s from the acceptance of this forgiveness that I no longer feel the need to “fix things” from my past, but to just let it be. It’s probably also the reason why I am as free as I am to embrace the children as they are and as I am. Why my love for and desire to serve people isn’t out of a need to rectify what I did wrong before, but simply out of a heart that is now free to love.

Let me tell you about my God.

He took someone as fucked up as I am and made me whole.

He saw the teenager I was and gave me just enough friends and space to realize that at the end of the day, it’s Him that’s all I need.

He sees me as I am now. Just as confused. Just as good at making bad decisions. And holds me close.

He sees me as how I am now, still hurting and hurting others.

And embraces me.

I hope my words make sense.

And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

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