Imja Tse (Island Peak) 6189m
As seen from a hill north of Dingboche looking up towards the village of Chukhung. Khumbu Valley, Himalayas, Nepal 2014
There are…many things I desire to do with my life. Many things I desire to see happen in my life. I would list them down but it’s late, so I will get to my point.
When I was 15 and first started writing my 100 list (kinda like a bucket list but without the fatalistic connotations) and it was filled with “Experience winter in Korea”, “Go skydiving”, “Nepal” or “be able to do the scorpion and take a photo of it at the Grand Canyon”. I wanted to see New York at midnight when the ball drops in the new year. I craved what I called “experiences”, not possessions (wellll…. except for that bit about wanting to own a Tibetian Mastiff)
But the problem was, that the very first thing on my list was “To live the life that God has planned for me.” but my list was filled with plans I had for myself. I don’t blame myself for writing those things, those were (and some still are) genuine things I want to experience at some point of my life. It was a pretty surreal experience working hard in the months leading up to that solo trip I took to Sydney, there was value in that.
But the problem with all this was that I didn’t take into account that my life was not my own, and that I was limiting myself when I failed to seek His will. I still desire to visit Nepal, and I still want that Tibetian Mastiff (okay fine I’ll settle for a Corgi….), but these desires that used to fuel my drive to succeed have faded fast and far and are so distant to me now. So meaningless.
I’ve stopped looking at the list for about a year now. I think I might want to revisit it again soon when I’m ready. And funnily enough, I’m more then excited to remove things from there, because I am excited to fill and to write and plan my life in accordance to the glorious joys He is waiting to bestow upon me in His time. Because after 7 years, I’m just a tiny step closer to that first goal on the list.
Things to add:
- I want to hold hands with those who are hungry for love, and show them that it’s already theirs
- I want to bring people into worship through words and art
- I want to play catch with the kids in Cambodia
- I want to experience life in the slums
- I want a heart filled with compassion
- For anyone, not just who I choose is worthy of it.
- I want to worship, undignified
- I want to love relentlessly even if it means facing persecution and danger
- I want to be a bearer of the kingdom that Luke 17 says is within me
- I want to learn how to communicate with the physically challenged
- I want to be a vessel of the love that is mine
We’ll see. Right now I just know know know know know that I’m in that painful season of waiting. deciding. I’m antsy to fly but first He must shape my heart. my spirit.
Now all you can do is wait. It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. Like the ebb and flow of tides. No one can do anything to change them. When it is time to wait, you must wait.
– Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle